August 1, 2011
I remember running away to New York for days on end – sleeping with the dog in the back of my truck, wandering around Central Park during the day, and wandering the streets at night. I saw so many shows by bands whose names I don’t remember, but I do remember how it made me feel. I felt alive and free and like I could finally be myself. But now, only four years later I feel like I’ve been pinned down. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like I just need to break out of the life that I’ve created for myself – I’m become too complacent, too comfortable in relative nothingness.
I don’t like it – feeling like I have to answer to someone. I miss being able to just pick up and go on a whim. And I shouldn’t admit this, but I much prefer when there is no one around to worry about me. I’m much better on my own – markedly happier and less concerned about hurting people with decisions that don’t directly involve them. I always saw myself alone, and I was never really afraid of that the way some people are. I think I could be, at least for a while, content with just being alone and not having anyone to worry about. Maybe that’s selfish, but it’s also so freeing – to be able to do what you want, when you want without the fear of it hurting someone else.
I thought that living on my own again would clear up some of the confusion I’ve been feeling about my life, but it hasn’t. It’s only made me question further why I allow myself to fall deeper into feeling nothing. I think that I’m closing myself up – getting further and further away from the girl I discovered when I was finally on my own for the first time. She was happy and she knew what she wanted, even if she was impulsive about it and she could see where she was going. I’m going to be 24 in November, I shouldn’t be feeling this way.
Maybe it was because my two closest friends got engaged that I started to believe that I needed to calm down and grow up. Maybe it was because I was in a relationship that was headed in that direction, perhaps by my own doing. Regardless of the cause, I only ended up feeling pressured to get engaged myself, which was not something I was ready for. I soon came to the realization that what other people want isn’t necessarily what I want, and I’m okay with that. Maybe getting married young isn’t for me; maybe kids aren’t for me – I’m 23, I have time to figure things out and I’m going to spend that time doing what makes me happy.
I feel like I’ve forgotten an important piece of myself over the last few years and I need to rediscover all of the things that used to make me feel alive. Impromptu all day hikes, long drives to places I don’t know I’m going to until I get there, and photography sessions with flowers that have just bloomed. I can’t allow myself to keep going the way I am – unhappy and unsure as to why. So I’ll make a change, and see if things improve. It’s all I really can do…